You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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