It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
