I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize