I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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