just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are a genius and a whore.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
