Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
