I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
