Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
