Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
