I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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