i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
