so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
