im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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