she woke up with a sticky ear
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
