Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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