May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
