I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
