I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
