i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
