wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
