One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
