I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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