I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
