Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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