is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
