I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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