i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
