She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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