I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
