two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
