What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
