honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Houston, we have a squirter
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
