I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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