New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
