I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I would ride that face into the sunset
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
