That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
