She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
