I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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