I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
