Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up under a house in Key West
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