she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In America we eat man semen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
how does that bad decision feel?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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