Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
