Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
