I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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