i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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