She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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