i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
