So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
