his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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