That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
