I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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