i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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