I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
