Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
