i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just cut my nipple shaving
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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