You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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